“The worst kind of pain is when you’re smiling just to stop the tears from falling”
For the people out there who has been the victim of heartbreak or having their love rejected. Do not be ashamed or afraid, it truly does happen to many of us. It should offer some solace to kn
ow that you are not alone in your pain, others have been in your place before, some of us in even worse positions. I too have been in the position of having my heart shattered into pieces. More than once I would say. I do not consider myself an expert on heartbreak but I do believe I’ve learnt a thing or two from them, which I believe is the point of the entire process.
I am here to offer you my personal advice on moving on from a heartbreak.
- Accept what has happened
He/she has broken up with you, or he/she rejected you for somebody else, he/she is cheating on you, he/she just changed into somebody you can no longer be with etc. (insert your own scenario here). As challenging as this is to endure, it is even more challenging to ACCEPT. For the ones we truly care for, we often make excuses for them in any capacity we can create. “They will change, they will realize what they are missing, they will come back to me, maybe if I do this then he/she will return to me.”
Sometimes….it is true and things work out for the best. But usually we should be ready to accept the reality presented to us. The truth is that the person we truly care for is not perfect. They have flaws and they make mistakes. Mistakes that can hurt us a lot. Sometimes we are the culprit ourselves and lost someone we truly cared for.
The more we say to ourselves that things will come right on their own, is only creating more suffering in your own being.
The more we reject reality, the more reality forces its way into eyes. Take some time to accept what has happened. Understand that things are this way. Realize that things are going to change whether you are ready or not. Take some time to grieve and be alone for a while.
ACCEPTANCE is not an easy thing. But it creates an opening for the next step.
- Cut All Ties
Now this is a little challenging but I believe it is for the best. When somebody breaks our heart, we do not wish to immediately let them out of our lives. We desire to keep them in whatever capacity we can and we convince ourselves that ‘this is better than nothing’. We tell ourselves ‘we can simply be friends’, and sometimes you can, but sometimes….you simply cannot. The memories and the emotions do not disappear for some people and their hearts simply cannot bear to see the person and not be closer to them. It creates a feeling or distance and loneliness. It makes us hope for more and we don’t know if we will ever receive what our hearts desire. It becomes even more challenging when that person meets somebody else.
Cutting ties forces us to move on. It gives us this extra kick in the ass we need to move forward. Like the old anecdote of the Vikings who, when they went to invade various villages they would often arrive by boat. Upon disembarking the captain would burn their boats saying there is NO going back, we either win or we lose everything. More often than not they would win because in the back of all their minds they knew there was no going back, only forward towards victory (Not that I condone the pillaging of villages but my point is still clear). By cutting ties, you are burning your boats. It forces you to move forward to something new. By cutting ties…which includes removing all contact numbers, emails, Facebook profiles including removing all gifts received (unless it’s something particularly useful), deleting all photographs and destroying old letters. We are under no obligation to stay friends with somebody who hurts us. We are free to choose who we want in our life and who we don’t. There should no feelings of guilt when removing someone from your life.
If you feel it’s harsh…maybe it is…you can always be friends again sometime if you truly wish….but sometimes you have to do what is difficult because at the end the day you need to………..
- Love Yourself
Keep in mind that in this world, to find somebody who will put you before themselves is an extremely valuable thing. It does exist of course but we cannot rely on others to take care of us emotionally our entire lives. We need to be able to understand that sometimes the only person we have is the person staring back at you in the mirror. We need to learn to hold our OWN hand in difficult times. We need to realize that going through a heart break does not JUST give you empty hollow feeling in your chest, it can crush your ego as well. It can lead your mind into believing untrue things about your character such as that you that you not good enough, that you are flawed, that nobody could possibly love you……. and these things could not be further from the truth. My previous posts all explain that there is truly greatness inside all of us. If one person fails to see it then that is THEIR loss, not yours. They have lost somebody who has truly cared about them, and you have lost somebody who did not. Who is really the biggest loser?
You are enough, you are amazing and you have a lot to offer this world. If you had no worth then there would have been no reason for you to be alive today reading this, but you are. God allowed you to wake up one more day for a reason and He is not one to make mistakes (for those of you who believe). Start showing yourself more love, take care of your health, your looks and your dress sense. Take some time to set goals for yourself and work towards them. Focus your mind on yourself for a while. Become a little conceited in yourself. Realize you are great and a gift to this world and let your light shine brighter than ever before.
- It’s okay to get a little angry
Anger is a powerful emotion. It allows us to act before we think the action all the way through. It is a powerful motivator. Remember, the other person is not as perfect as you think. Remember all the times they wronged you, the times they we unfair, the times they may have been disrespectful or non-co-operative. The times they may betrayed your trust or put you down emotionally. If they have done wrong, don’t ignore it. Don’t ONLY remember the good memories, think on the bad things as it can aid the healing process as the image you have of them becomes more realistic. It may create a certain amount of anger, but don’t let the anger let you lash out of this person or anyone around you. Use it as the world’s most powerful motivating tool. Use the anger to show yourself and the world you will not just lie down and accept this broken hearted state that you are in. Use this anger to push you forward to do great things and become greater. To do things you have not done before. To do things that can improve yourself in such a way that the other person should go to bed at night thinking…’I’ve lost a great person’.
- Meet new people
“There are plenty of fish in the sea” they always say. It’s true even if you do not want to acknowledge it. We live on a planet with BILLIONS of people on it and not one of them is going to be like your past love, in fact they won’t even compare. Everyone is different and it would unfair to make any comparison. Everyone has virtues and vices in different ways to other people. You will not meet someone like you ex, but you will meet someone DIFFERENT who can make you feel different things, think different things and do different things. Open yourself up to the idea that you can meet someone again. Don’t make excuses like ‘I don’t feel going through the whole 1st date process all over again’, it is all part of process, it’s part of the journey. Be bold and smile and say hello to strangers. Learn some ways to start conversations and just be a little confident in yourself. Believe that are worth something to someone. That you have a great value. That people want to be with you. Have the attitude of confidence and you will exude it. Don’t be afraid to meet new people.
- Stop OVERTHINKING
It becomes very easy to shut the world out during this period of heartbreak. You may find yourself glued to your bed, just lying there thinking about everything. You consider all the good moments you had together and begin to feel alone. You over-analyse the moments where things went wrong and consider what you or the other person could have done differently. You think about them meeting new people and being happy while you sit in self-loathing, wondering if they’re missing you. You wonder if they will realize their mistake and come back to you. You contemplate why this happened to you, what you did wrong and what is wrong with you.
You think…and think…and think…all the time about the past and could have been. You think about everything you lost…..
This serves you….ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD. It is a pointless endeavour that not only emotionally drains you but wastes your precious time. Do not try to ‘figure out’ why things ended, some things just cannot be explained logically in life. Just practice acceptance and remember that your thoughts are valuable and have more of an effect on your life than you think. Overthinking will lead to nothing more than feeling depressed and alone.
Think more about the important things, the things to be thankful for, the things you want to achieve, the man or woman you want to be and the type of things you want in life.
Which leads to the final piece of advice I have.
- Start saying YES more
The film “Yes Man” was awesome. It also provides the basis of allowing yourself to be open to new things. It allows us to step outside our comfort zone which leads to some amazing moments. When you get invited to things, say YES (unless it is for something falls completely out of your moral compass). Also make an effort to meet up with your friends. Go out for dinner, spend time by the beach, go to the movies etc. Start doing more things. Life is short, why waste it missing the past. Don’t spend all your time crying, rather do things you have never done before. Challenge yourself and do more than you thought you could. Do different things, like try horse riding or scuba diving, go to restaurants you’ve never been to, smile and say hello to strangers, change up your hairstyle a bit, push yourself to try new and different things and enjoy life to the fullest.
8. Let It GO
Let is go…let it goooo….can’t hold me back anymoreeeee…..(you know the rest).
The most important step. Also the most liberating step. Holding onto the anger, the bitterness and resentment is unhealthy for the soul. Holding a grudge against someone who hurt you is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When painful things happen in your life. Let the feeling enter your body, let it flow through you completely. Be it grief, sadness, pain etc. Own it. Acknowledge its presence. Say to yourself “I am feeling pain, sadness, loneliness…but I will let it go” Feel it in it completeness and then let it go
This is in line with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Mitch Alblom,
“If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by
throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, “All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
By having the bravery and the strength to let go, forgiving the person who hurt you, forgive yourself and move forward, you will be doing yourself the biggest favor of you life.
You will not find what lies ahead if you keep holding on to your past. Step forward into the unknown and believe there is good out there for you. Have some faith in your own strength and believe you will get stronger and better every single day that passes.
Always remember, a heartbreak does NOT last forever. Time heals all wounds. Follow these tips and you may find yourself smiling again really soon.