“When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go”
Me: So how are things going with him?
Her: *shrugs The same as always…
Me: *confused look Is that good?
Her: We fought again last night…
Me: *eye-brow raise About what?
Her: *Sigh He was mad because I didn’t text him in the evening when he saw my status was ‘online’. He was going on about me speaking to other people but ignoring him.
Me: But you were working last night though? Right?
Her: Yeah, so I went online to text people work stuff.
Me: Why didn’t HE just message YOU?
Her: I don’t know…But we fight about this sort of thing often…I can’t actually remember the last time we didn’t fight for an extended period of time.
Me: *Intense eye-brow raise What do you guys normally fight over? Or do they all follow a similar theme?
Her: You know…It’s always something small that gets blown out of proportion. Like last week I told him I was going out with some friends. He asked ‘with who?’, so I told him and he didn’t like it when I mentioned two of the friends were guys, so he said I couldn’t go.
Me: *Laughs You’re kidding!?
Her: * looks away Nope…
Me: Oh my god…please tell me you didn’t actually ditch your friends!!
Her: I did. For him…
Me: But…that’s insane! Your friends must have been pissed. And I’m pretty sure you were unhappy not to see them as well.
Her: Yeah I was…
Me: But why would you not go then? It’s not like you were going to cheat on him or something…didn’t you tell him that?
Her: *shrugs I just couldn’t say no. And yeah I did try to explain it to him. I always try but it usually doesn’t matter. He will just say something to make me feel guilty or something. Basically it’s a reminder that he comes first…which isn’t exactly wrong. He is my boyfriend after all.
Me: *confused look Actually I think it’s EXACTLY wrong because I think YOU come first.
Her: *sigh But this is not a new thing. When I joined a gym, he was pissed off because there are other guys there. He doesn’t even like me working even though I LOVE my job. Hell… he definitely hates the fact that YOU’RE my friend.
Me: So essentially…he’s intimated by other penises?
Her: *Laughs You don’t understand…
Me: You’re right about that.
Her: I’ve known him for 5 years…
Me: I’ve known him for 5 minutes and I already don’t like him.
Her: Ha ha ha…hilarious…*sigh We have good times also you know.
Me: Well after 5 years there must have been SOME good times.
Her: Yeah we have.
Me: Is THAT the reason you stick around?
Her: It’s part of the reason yes. Besides… 5 years is a long time. Despite being in a relationship I’ve… never felt more alone. It’s like I’m cut off from everyone around me… but… I’m not even connected to him.
Me: 5 years is a long time. It’s almost a quarter of your entire life and I cannot believe you’ve stuck around for so long. I’m sorry to hear that…Have you thought about leaving him though?
Me: What’s stopping you?
Her: Well like I said…5 years…I can’t just walk away from someone who has been a part of my life for so long. To me…that is just wrong. I remember when I met him he was sort of in a mess. He had pretty bad emotional issues. He would alternate between extremely angry or extremely sad and I was the one who was essentially his anchor and keep him balanced. And not only that, I would take care of him in many more ways, I would handle his work affairs where I could, I would make all his travel arrangements should he need it, I’d take care of his medical affairs as well and so much more. I’ve be
en doing it for so long I actually feel obligated to help him.
Me: *confused look “Obligated to help him?”
Me: *Asks loudly WHY?!
Her: What would he do without me?
Me: How is that your problem? He is a grown man who can take care of himself. A real ADULT should not need anyone to take care of them. I can understand being there for someone through tough times but it seems as though it is ONLY tough times…”Obligated to help him”… You’re not helping him…you’re just doing stuff for him because you feel you have to be this ‘good girlfriend’ even though he treats you like shit.
Her: He doesn’t…treat me like shit…He would do anything for me.
Me: Would you kindly elaborate?
Her: Like…He would get me anything I wanted. Regardless of the cost. I was shocked that day when I found the shoes delivered to me that cost well more than my monthly salary.
Me: Must’ve been some shoes…
Her: They didn’t fit.
Me: *Laughs loudly Oh man…I’m sorry I shouldn’t laugh.
Her: He likes to buy me things. In fact…whenever I’m mad at him about something he will ask me what he can buy me. Haha *Chokes up…he doesn’t like…choose to talk about it or apologize or attempt to make things right…just a gift makes all the troubles disappear.
Me: ‘Toss her something shiny and the world will shine once more’
Her: *confused look That from a movie?
Me: Brought to you from the insanity of my mind.
Her: *Laughs insane indeed…but so not true though.
Me: Do you think he will change?
Her: No…I don’t think so…I’ve complained and pleaded with him so many times over different things. You know he has called me ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘childish’ and…hell…he even once told me ‘oh right I forgot you had such low self-esteem’ and then laughed about it.
Me: *Looks away That…is…not…right…
Her: I don’t know anymore…
Me: It sounds like…you’re just going through the motions. It’s no longer about love or a connection between human beings…it’s just one person suffering while trying to keep up and the other moving forward without caring.
Her: *Heavy sigh
Me: Why don’t you leave again?
Her: I…don’t know how. I don’t want to break his heart. I don’t want to hurt him. And…*sigh.
Me: I know what…
Her: Tell me then…
Me: You’re afraid to be alone again. But not alone like how you are now. But REALLY alone in terms of relationships. You’ve alienated yourself from your friends and family to a certain extent. Your life is essentially revolving around him and the sad reality is…you’ve tied your entire personality to THAT life with him. If you leave him…besides the idea that you may break his heart…You will be left alone to wonder who you truly are as a person. Because your life is so connected to his, that you are not your own person anymore. You are just a shadow of a full human being. And the idea of rediscovering who you are, being alone and the perhaps the fear of not finding love again are the reasons why you won’t leave.
Her: *Heavy silence
Me: *Looks expectantly Is that true?
Her: *Looks away …Somewhat…
Me: *Silence…………………….You don’t need to be afraid.
Her: How can I not be?
Me: Because you are not really alone…The people who truly love and care about you would never abandon you and leave you alone to suffer through this. These people will admire your bravery to walk away from something that does not serve to improve your life but only as a source of suffering. Hell I definitely will! You deserve better in this world. We ALL deserve a little better in this world but you specifically DESERVE a LOT BETTER than this. Have you forgotten what a wonderful person you are? How kind and friendly you’ve been towards me when I have felt alone? How everyone is happy to see you when you walk into a room? How you make everyone smile when you speak to them? How AMAZING your cakes are!!?!? You’ve lost that perspective because you’re constantly concerned about the reaction of your ‘significant other’ in terms of ‘how he might feel if you do THIS or THAT’. When the most important thing is understanding that your life is a gift and you cannot let somebody take away your value in order to improve his own. Your life has just as much value, and in my opinion, more value than his ever will.
Her: *Nods head
Me: And I’ve had my heart broken before…It is painful especially the first time…but the reality is…we grow from it…we become better people because we realize the mistakes we have made, we change our perspectives on certain things and we strive to make ourselves better for ourselves and the next person in our life. Which is what he should do…because I do not believe any woman on Earth would take as much shit from him as you did…
Her: *Laughs You’re definitely right on that part.
Me: And you will find love again. That’s a given. A woman like you…there is no possibility of a man not being able to see the value you have and he will be extremely lucky to be with you. You may not meet him tomorrow but one day you will…I guarantee it. But that should not be your goal in my opinion. You need to focus on YOURSELF for now. Because you have given so much of yourself to others that you have left yourself fluttering in the wind. You need to find what makes you happy, reconnect with friends and family, enjoy your hobbies and rediscover your passions. You need to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST otherwise…you’ll just lose yourself again…
Me: *Smiles What you do in your relationship now, is entirely your decision. But I cannot stand to see my friend suffering over a man who does not treat her the way she should be treated. And I DEFINITELY cannot stand to see her accept it. Should you decide to end it…know that I am here for you…and many others will be as well. There may be SOME people who will say you are crazy to walk away from a 5 year relationship, but they are not the ones who will go home at night and actually LIVE through the emotions that you will and therefore will never understand your decision. Screw those people…ONLY YOU know what is best for your life. Nobody else does. And I trust you will
make the right decision that best serves you in the end. Love is not about suffering for your partner, it’s about growing with them into better people. And if that is not happening then you should seriously consider what the point of continuing is…because if someone is not treating you right…no matter how much you love them…you’ve got to love yourself more and walk away…And I firmly believe if you actually DO walk away, you will have no regrets because we both know…you’ve done everything you could have to make this work.
Her: *Laughs You’re right…absolutely….But… how will I truly know if it’s the right time to walk away?
Me: When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go…
Her: *Smiles I think I know what I have to do…